2009-10-27 - 7:51 p.m.
The first time in years that I had two entries in the same hour.
When I think back to this diary's beginnings, I can't believe where I've been. I have wasted so much time already, gone to the greatest lengths in a search for something but just found little shreds of experience. Learned what I shouldn't say, or more what I can say.
I used to think so little of myself and my capacity, not in thought but in action and interaction with others( potential lovers, new friends, co-workers etc.)
And so what is this diary then? A litmus paper for how toxic or healthy I am now, or was? A chart of my development, from closetcase, to crackhead, through the dirt for five more years and then a shooting star, dripping with neurosis and still searching for a cure , to some imaginary or self imposed ailment. A solution to a problem I have yet to define, or even investigate for that matter.
Then, there is this dynamic of personal growth, but it kind of gets gummed up in a goulash of narcissism and self-doubt.
How exotic lives can become in the free world! How foolish and self-obsessed and disillusioned.
